Monthly Archives: May 2006

Blogoomer

Blogoommer home

This is the next one I’m going to try. It also updates using ftp.

Saving Graces

Also known as women in stone. A site with a collection of cemetery photographs of female sculpture.

Spike and Malice: It’s a Game

Because I have roughly two days left to move I’m going to spend today out with Zack. We are going to Newmarket to see a movie and drop in on his Mother. She is leaving for a week in Cuba and wanted to see her son before she leaves.

I hope my sister never reads this. It’s hugely unlikely since none of my family bother with my writing, they think it’s my useless hobby. I don’t even know if they would change their attitude if I were making a regular (even hefty) pay cheque. So, at some point you just stop being concerned about it. Just take their knocks and keep on ticking, doing what you need to do to stay alive. Anyway, my sister would not be happy to read what I never say to her face. To be politically correct (that means nice) I will just say she is not a natural mother type.

So, we are visiting today when I should be packing and planning. I did have good intentions. My road to hell is well paved by now. Luckily I’m not someone who believes in hell. I have no idea where my paved road is really going. Isn’t that kind of a good thing? If you really knew where you were going to end up would you always want to put the energy into making the journey. I expect a lot of people would take a lot of short cuts and bypass a lot of life: sad parts, angry parts, bad parts and so on. All those things make life though. The hard parts make the soft parts more worth having.

So there’s my philosophical moment for the day, well, for this half hour or so.

If you’re in Newmarket at the Silver City watching Just my Luck today, wave to me. I’ll just be pretending I don’t know you and that blank look is all just a polite way of saying hello in my culture.

Two Days and Insurmounting

I often deal with things by not dealing with them. This works well, up to a point.

Tonight I realized that I have this weekend to actually do the moving thing and then Monday I will be actually in the moving activation mode. I got that sickening feeling of an approaching insurmountable deadline. Don’t you hate that sick, sinking feeling of time catching up with you no matter how hard you try to run in the other direction?

So, even though Zack is here and my Mom is here and they are well known for being expert time suckers, I must focus and prepare for the activation of the moving plan.

I will even make a ‘to-do’ list. How organized and well planned is that? I knew you’d be impressed. Of course, it’s too late to start any of that well intentioned activity now. It’s dark outside.

The Old Bag Strikes Back

I’m a woman. I checked recently. Aren’t I supposed to think all children are dears and wish for a pack of my own?

Sometimes I’d still like a couple of kids. Then I have my sister’s little children come visit and I re-think that plan. Maybe it’s just a poor example. Not a great case study. My own kidlets might not be as demanding or self centred? My Mother wouldn’t send me scurrying to fulfill the little darlings ever mere wish. I feel like I’m their personal maid, butler and chef. She even asked me to help Roxanne put on her sock. Rox is 3 and has been putting on her own sock for awhile now. I’m just an old bag with cramps. I need a break. Harness those kids up and let them fetch and carry for me. I’d like another Midol with a fresh coffee and one of those gingersnap cookies on the side.

Bite My Butt

I don’t hear from John very often any more. But I still send him an email a couple of times a week. This was part of an email I sent tonight. Judge me however you will. But, now you know the secret.

Tomorrow night I have a date with a married man. Just dinner and
conversation. I told my Mom he just wants a friend and in part he
does. I want companionship and intimacy to some degree. I want a
conversation where someone isn’t henpecking at me and making me feel
totally inadequate. I don’t know if I will see him again after
tomorrow night. It’s a complete blank page. I don’t want to ‘date’ a
married man. It’s not the direction I want to take. I set out to find
someone as single as I am. Most of the single men are only interested
in sex and not me. It’s very discouraging to have them ask whether I’m
shaved or not versus what books I like to read. I stopped answering
all the ads and the replies to my posts cause it just became too much.

I’m not sure what I really expect from this date. A lot of things are going on in my mind. We have some interests in common and he seems like a guy I could really enjoy spending time with. Yet, getting attached to him, beyond a certain level, would not be a good thing. It will be interesting.

Don’t leave comments with high moral fibre. I already know all the reasons a good girl wouldn’t date a married man. It’s yet one more of those things I said I’d never do. So often it’s those ‘never’ things that come back and bite you in the butt.

The Clothes Make the Woman

The sky looks like soft silver today. It’s sunny and windy and we’ve had the odd rain sprinkling down. I wish I could grab my purse, stick on my sandals and go for a drive. A short road trip. Maybe just to Barrie for coffee and book window shopping. Maybe a quickie burger stop too. At times I just crave a good hamburger with lots of pickles and lettuce and other assorted green stuff.

I never knew I was car addicted. Not until now, when it’s too late and the car is gone. I think it was 2 weeks ago yet it feels like two weeks ago, at least. I miss getting and going. I miss being able to satisfy my cravings for a coffee out, a burger or to run over (I didn’t mean to hit that squirrel) and fetch a bag of milk.

Oh well, soon I will be in car-less territory. The land of no parking and city drivers. It’s better this way, right?

Tomorrow night I am borrowing a car and will be meeting Jim in Newmarket. I’m a bit nervous, yet I’m looking forward to an evening out too. What to wear…? Clothing is a good idea. I have new blue shoes, garden shoes they called them at Canadian Tire. I don’t care. They’re light and airy on my feet. It’s like walking barefoot. Other the shoe thing I have no plan for what to wear. Likely it will end up being something clean and yet comfortable.

Thinspiration

Before you read this you should know it’s from a girl’s site who believes in anorexia. They call them pro-ana. The sites usually have pictures of skinny women and haunting poetry and journals. Don’t read this without being ready to be haunted.

Most women live their lives in a state of starvation,
why should I be any different?
Quod me nutrit,
me destruit.
We turn skeletons into goddesses,
and look to them as if they might
teach us how not to need.
When I wake, I’m empty, light,
light-headed.
I like to stay this way,
free and pure, light on my feet,
traveling light.
For me, food’s only interest
lies in how little I need,
how strong I am,
how well I can resist,
each time achieving
another small victory of the will.
I, the hunger artist,
rarely disappoint my audience.
The difference between want and need
is self control.
Hunger hurts,
but starving works.

An Ordinary Girl

Lost Found Art and Garbage Scout

Lost Found Art – Collections of found stuff.

GarbageScout.com – Found treasure map – a recycler’s dream, a cheapskate’s best friend, and a dumpster diver’s companion

Skinny Girls Will Haunt You

I was reviewing some pro-ana sites this morning. It’s not easy looking at and reading sites where young women talk about starving themselves to fit into some skeletal ideal woman they think they need to be in order to be happy.

Here are some quotes from another of the sites. I edited out others, these were of interest to me.

“Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take youre eyes off your goal.” ~ Henry Ford

“It is never too late to be who you might have been.” ~ George Eliot

“Out of the strain of the doing, into the peace of the done.” ~ Julia Woodruff

“Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain.” ~ Unknown

“Success isn’t a result of spontaneous sombustion. You must set yourself on fire.” ~ Arnold H Glasow

“Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.” ~ Unknown

“One half of knowing what you want is knowing what you give up before you get it.” ~ Sidney Howard

Chubby Girl Brigade

Doing Semi Possibly Bad Things

Why do we want to tell someone when we know we are doing something kind of wrong, short of actually evil, but definitely not something we will later look back on as a good thing.

I have stopped myself from making a post about my Tuesday date. It’s not a date in a relationship way, not in THAT way. Of course, any social style interaction between people could be considered a relationship and thus a date. Even two women could meet and have a night out as friends and call it a date. It’s not quite the same thing I’m doing. Mine is not based on simple friendship. There is no road map from here. It’s not quite as dramatic as taking a leap but it’s not quite predictable and boring either.

No, I know it’s mean, but I can’t tell you. Maybe on Tuesday, or Wednesday when I’m back, I will tell you something. Maybe. I have a lot of feelings and not enough of them are mixed. They should be. Why aren’t they, this time? Is my halo tarnished? Did I trade it in for a semi-halo and not realize I didn’t pick up the right one?

Or am I just growing out of being such a freakishly good girl after all these years? I am 41 and divorced, not a pure virginal little 16 year old any more.

Most of all… Why do I have 88 referers today? Who are you people and what did you come here for? I don’t bring around cookies and cakes, or anything. There may be service with a smile but there’s no real service.

The Dragon Woman

The Dragon Woman
1. Her physical background
# The female native of the Dragon is as a rule noted for her beauty. It is by no means the kind of discreet, enticing beauty like that of the Snake woman, but rather the one that could not fail to provoke and catch the eye. Wherever she finds herself the Dragon woman instantly becomes a center of attraction, even though she might in some rare cases wish to go unnoticed – it is practically impossible for her to melt away in a crowd! Not rarely does she single herself out by only one glamorous element of her physique – for instance, her shock of flaming hair (even Chinese Dragon women often have somewhat red hair!), her regal look, her queenly bearing, or her gazelle-like gait. She learns very early in life that her beauty can help her obtain not only attention but also many other advantages and is therefore extremely keen on cultivating and exploiting it.

# This woman is blessed with an impressive array of physical assets. She may be more or less favored by nature, but always has an air of distinction and nobility regardless of her origin. Her personal magnetism is irresistible. Time never seems to be in a hurry to take its toll from her as she remains young-looking and beautiful much longer than most of her contemporaries.

# She is noticeably taller than the average – a benefit that greatly contributes to her psychological ascendancy over others. Her bosom is moderate but well adjusted, her abdomen flat, her back gracefully arched, and her shoulders rather broad for her sex. With her muscular body and confident demeanor, she looks sound and well planted.

# One can always find pleasure in contemplating her fine and regular features, which are enhanced by her glowing complexion. Her face is framed in a harmonious triangle. Those who meet her could not remain indifferent to her snow-white teeth and unfathomable eyes. Sometimes freckles are there to contribute to her already immense charm. Undoubtedly, no other woman is better armed than the native as a seductress.

# Nothing will prevent the Dragon-year female from brimming over with health and vitality – provided she live wisely, making full use of good common sense and practicing moderation at every turn. Her constitution is robust, energetic, and endowed with remarkable recuperative powers. She is capable of producing such efforts as would force the admiration of all. She also has great stamina and endures adversity with much more resilience than her brother of the sign. (Some authors attribute her greater fortitude to the fact that she is less obsessed than the Dragon male by the necessity to succeed. This seems to be a valid explanation.)

# Unfortunately, this subject rarely wants to take into account the limitations imposed on her by her condition as a human being. In general, she feels no difficulty making a choice between getting admired, idolized, and staying in good health. And her choice, if repeated over and over for years, will finally put her high on the sick list.

# She doggedly refuses to heed the demands of her organism and relentlessly subjects it to intolerable pressure. Furthermore, she often goes on draconian diets in a most anarchic manner with a view to preserving her physical appearance, thereby paving the way for some serious ailments, difficult to diagnose and even more difficulty to cure.

# Excitable, short-tempered, always wanting to move heaven and earth to attain her impossible objectives, she exposes herself to hypertension which, if not treated adequately and in due time, may entail grave consequences. Her emotional tensions being at the root of this affliction, she must learn to be less ambitious, control her reactions, and have a more relaxed outlook on life. Yoga and Taoist philosophy are likely to bring her good help.

# Her heart, it should be admitted, constitutes her Anchilles’ heel and must be given proper care. Her cardiac disorders, however, are clearly more functional than organic. This observation leaves room for much hope of improvement but at the same time renders the native squarely responsible for her own state of health. She may suffer from palpitations, tachycardia, or cardiac spasms, which are fairly troublesome but not really dangerous. The situation is at times further aggravated by her faulty circulation.

# Like her male counterpart, she is also liable to trouble in her spinal column. Displaced discs may give rise to a number of minor, if not more important, ills. Sciatica is one of her most common affections. Sometimes her generative organs call for a close medical surveillance.

# Telling This woman to lead a wholesome life would inevitably appear too hackneyed. Yet there seems to be no other alternative than advising her to be conscious of the limits of her resistance and behave prudently. If she hates inactivity, she hates illness a thousand times more. Why, then, should she treat her health so thoughtlessly?

# Even if her physical state seems to be in the best of conditions, the Dragon woman does need a thorough medical checkup every two or three years. A periodic electrocardiogram will not be superfluous, She must above all have sufficient sleep; the sedatives she may have recourse to are herbs, acupuncture, and relaxation, but barbiturates and sleeping pills must be banned categorically. The use of witch hazel and yellow-flowered broom can cure or at least relieve her circulatory trouble. Lastly, a chiropractic or osteopathic treatment is needed.

2. Her psychological makeup
# The Dragon sign confers upon its female subjects outstanding intellectual qualities. Having an acute mind, both analytic and synthetic, they can grasp the most complex problems with amazing rapidity and effortlessly distinguish the essential from the secondary – an ability that makes them win time over others. They reason with as much rigor and logic as one could wish, never contenting themselves with approximation or generalities. Their ideas lack neither drive, nor originality, nor pertinence. They force the respect of those very people who habitually are mistrustful of women.

# The Dragon woman is not liable to certain drawbacks for which men often reproach the fair sex. Capable of seeing both sides of any question, she has well-balanced views and fair opinions – when her ego is not directly involved. Bias and bigotry are generally not a part of her character. She is also incapable of meanness, pettiness, or hypocrisy. She values nothing more than independence, secretly if not openly despising those members of her own sex who play clinging vines to men. Although she may sometimes appear voluble, letting her words outrun her thoughts, she detests gossip and scandalmongering. There is not a single trace of malice or perfidy in her since her honesty, sincerity, and frankness are never open to question; she inspires trust in all those who know her.

# Not only is this woman a person of mind, she is also someone with a fine heart. Few would be more generous and warm than she. Loyal to her loved ones, be they her friends or members of her family, she would go to any lengths to oblige them and defends them with aggressivity and unrelentingness. Basically philanthropic and having faith in the goodness of mankind, she refuses to believe ill of other people and is firmly prepared to trust them, sometimes to the point of naiveté. This is not a person who holds grudges; if betrayed, she can forgive without too much difficulty. Only very occasionally does she let herself be overshadowed by pessimism, resentment, or vindictiveness.

# The Dragon woman likes to be responsible and in a position of authority; it is because she has enormous faith in herself and is perfectly conscious of her personal magnetism. She is passionate, optimistic, enthusiastic, often on the brink of impetuosity. Nothing seems beyond her capacity, and she is ever ready to take up any challenge which offers itself to her. Whatever she undertakes, she will see it through to the good end – or she will die for it! Difficulties bring out the best in her. She vaguely senses that she has a mission to carry out in this world. Courageous, she fights doggedly for what she believes just and worthwhile, for the ideas and causes she has subscribed to. An incurable idealist – she is more idealistic than the male half of the sign – she refuses to put up with anything but the best and demands much of herself as well as of others.

# In contrast to her positive qualities, the Dragon female has a number of conspicuous undesirable traits. One is frequently irritated by her superiority complex and haughty comportment. There is always a certain air of smugness and disdainful aloofness about her. Often vain and domineering, she reacts violently when she finds herself a target of criticisms or when her capacities are put in doubt. Like a spoiled princess, she may pout when she does not win her own way.

# Dramatic by nature, this woman always insists on being where the spotlight falls, even if she has to push someone away or step on someone’s toes. It seems as though to her the end justifies the means when it comes to satisfying her thirst for unconditional admiration and appreciation. She may whistle in the dark, try to save people from their own mistakes, or go out of her way to praise her enemies – all this in order to get heads turn in her direction wherever she goes. She recoils neither from snobbishness nor from flattery. Other of her attention-getting devices range from a high-and-mighty attitude to eccentricity, from theatricals to fastidiousness, from boastfulness to criticalness.

# Her ambitions are generally out of all reasonable proportions. No amount of success can fully content her heart. And if anyone of her countless splendrous enterprises does not come true, she becomes extremely tense and angry, cursing the whole world, instead of accepting failure gracefully.

# She is adept at nursing her false pride. It would be impossible to convince her to play second fiddle to anyone in any field. She rarely cares to show consideration for the sensitivity of others, speaking her mind out bluntly, without regard to tact or diplomacy. She likes to impress people with her accomplishments, real or imaginary. Giving in is a total impossibility for her, so are verbal apologies. She will not tolerate any affront to her dignity and, like Don Quixote who fought the windmills, will attack even when no one hurts her birthright pride.

# Despite her protests to the contrary, she secretly longs for a life of ease and comfort and is much impressed by outward wealth, luxury, and splendor. She loves expensive clothes, fabulous jewels, dazzling parties, extensive trips to foreign countries, and the like. It would not matter much if she could afford such frivolities by herself or through a man.

# One of her most serious concerns in life is to cope with the problem of aging. The prospect of growing old terrifies her, and she struggles with all her forces to prevent Time’s insults. She may prefer an early death to decrepitude or try to remain young as long as possible, by all means.

# Special mention must be made of the native’s attitude toward men in general. She considers herself perfectly equal in every respect to all members of the bearded sex, has no feeling of inferiority toward them, and takes pleasure in rivaling them. In no case will she accept to be a man-made woman. However, in her softer moods, she may have secret regrets about her condition as a woman, not because she finds anything wrong with her feminity itself, but because she feels things would be easier for her in this man-dominated world if she belonged to the other sex.

3. Her productive capacities
# Gifted with a wide range of capacities, the Dragon woman can shine in any career she chooses, all the more as she always gives the best of herself in work. No kind of job seems above her abilities, even the most difficult and exacting one. Unfortunately, it is seldom easy for her to decide on the direction to take, precisely because of the multiplicity of her talents and the depth of her enthusiasm. A lot of hesitation and futility generally marks the beginning of her professional life. But once she has decided to embark on a definite course, nothing seems to stand in her way to success. It would be surprising if she did not distinguish herself in her chosen field of activity.

# Despite all appearances, material gains rarely underlie her ardor, dedication, and conscientiousness. She is principally motivated by her desire to triumph and her determination to prove her worth. She needs difficulties and likes taking risks. Initiative is as indispensable to her as action and responsibility, for she loathes both routine and subalternate occupations, which she finds depressing; she never accepts with a light heart to do such jobs as a clerk, cashier, or chainworker. Under all circumstances, a demanding career is for her an absolute necessity: She would certainly wither away should she ever be reduced to the role of a fulltime homemaker. This outdoor female needs to exert herself in the wide world, just as a lioness needs to roam the jungle.

# The native is so made as to be able to succeed quite brilliantly in professions traditionally reserved for men – even in politics, where her integrity and loyalty are her best weapons; or in business, where her power of quick decision is her trump card. Ingenuous, impartial, straightforward, she is sometimes surprised at the envy, jealousy, and maliciousness that her success arouses in others. Curiously enough, those who may be hostile to her are generally members of her own sex, rarely men.

# Scientific thinking being well within her grasp, she can make her name in many branches of research – in biology, psychology, sociology, or astrophysics, for instance. Her sharp intuition, coupled with her rigorous reasoning, helps her make startling discoveries.

# Perfectly at ease in all artistic endeavors, the Dragon woman excels at painting, writing, singing, acting, modeling, sculpting, dancing, and skating, Entertaining is to her one of the most thrilling professions, partly because it allows her to satisfy her narcissistic tendencies. She can also earn her living as a much prized mannequin or a shrewd jeweler. Even some sports such as skiing, lawn tennis, and horseriding are not inaccessible to her at the professional level.

# In sum, nothing appears to be beyond this subject’s reach from the moment she has made up her mind to attain it.

4. Her love behavior
# Contrary to her Snake or Goat sisters, for example, the Dragon woman never seems to allow love to occupy the first place in her priority list. She simply does not live or die for it. As a rule she readily subordinates it to her perpetual quest for glory. If she decides to love a man, it would probably be less for his sake – or for Love’s sake – than for the possibility of increasing the brightness of her aureola. Her choice of men is principally guided by her innate need to be praised and admired. Sometimes she deliberately gets involved with notoriously worthless males – drunkards, crooks, gangsters, and so on – just to make self-publicity. All this, however, does not necessarily mean that she is incapable of profound, intense, and “true” love. She can, if she stumbles on the right man, show outstanding affection for him and make great sacrifices for his welfare and happiness.

# Beautiful and glamorous, the native generally has a large number of unconditional admirers in tow. Another female, less ambitious and vain than she is, would satisfy herself with picking up one of these and settling down with him. Put the Dragon woman, who does not swoon over males, has set her objective “higher” than that. She is never in a hurry to marry, and in some cases deliberately chooses to remain single for good, because she wants to be desired and courted by all men for ever. When she decides to get married, the problem of her choice will not be a small one – her standards are so exacting that the right man for her should resemble a Greek god! Failing to find such a man, she may prefer spinsterhood to a compromise with reality.

# She naturally expects every man she passes to succumb to her charm and intelligence and does not understand why occasionally one of her dates can say “no” to her. She also expects her rejected lovers to whine after her so long as they are still alive.

# She usually knows a wide variety of bedmates in her youth, and in wedlock does not pretend to be a model of fidelity. She has the reputation of being a man-collector, preferring hunting to being hunted. For this reason some people suspect her of nymphomania. To be fair and just, one should understand her enormous thirst for the absolute. Her promiscuity, essentially, is not a search for sensual gratifications, but for perfection; her apparent andromania is merely a result of her immense megalomania and her profound love of independence. Sometimes she entertains the mistaken belief that going continually from arms to arms is to live intensely and fully. Of course, she is much more often disillusioned than satisfied in her pursuit.

# Fortunately for her, she enjoys a particular state of grace which renders her practically invulnerable to disappointments in love. When an affair is broken, it can be her partner – not she – who will suffer most. And she will be quickly off to a new romance with her heart as a perfect tabula rasa. Unrequited love leaves her sentimentally unruffled, just like water flowing on a duck’s back.

# If she is lucky enough to find a man who deserves her highest esteem and who in return adores her unreservedly, the Dragon woman will prove a wonderful mate. She will show herself enormously capable of both giving and receiving love. She will demand a lot, but will give just as much.

# If on the contrary she is a victim of bad luck, she may resort to lesbianism as a compensation, in defiance of all possible social taboos. Although generous and loyal to her chosen sisters-lovers, she will nonetheless preserve her independence, to which she clings more and more jealously each day. It will not displease her to play a man’s role in such homosexual relations. Nevertheless, she cannot help feeling that being reduced to love without a phallus is a serious blow to her ego, despite all her claims to the contrary.

# The situation is not often so dramatic, however. The average Dragon female generally works out an acceptable solution to her love problems and makes her life normally with a man as most other women. The one involved with her will certainly appreciate her exceptional capacity for love on both the emotional and physical planes. But he will have to handle it with the utmost care, beginning with a clear understanding of her attitude and behavior. This is a woman with an overwhelming need to be admired and worshipped, to feel that she ever remains to be won. Taken for granted, she will surely retaliate in a way or another – by becoming frigid or simply walking off. However deep her intimacy with her man she always draws a sharp line between romantic submission and out-of-bed dependence; a lamb after nightfall, she becomes at daybreak her usual proud and fiercely independent lioness again and regards any attempt to tame her as a mortal sin. Her sexual expression needs comfort, ease, consideration, and touch; no question for her to make love on a car backseat or with a man who is not clean-shaven or appears to be in a hurry, for instance. Finally, due to her chronic histrionics, she often deliberately seeks out quarrels even when nothing annoys her – just for the pleasure of spectacular reconciliation!(

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