Monthly Archives: December 2004

” New Celestial Computer V!rus3s Detected “

While the Hale-Bopp comet may not have any spaceships in its tail, it apparently has released several new celestial computer v!ruses into our galaxy. Initial reports indicate 12 such v!ruses have been detected. The following is a listing of the new v!ruses and their attributes:

The ARIES v!rus continuously creates new *.ini files, and repeatedly reboots your computer to initiate them.

The TAURUS v!rus automatically backs-up all files on your hard drive and prevents you from ever deleting any information or files.

The GEMINI v!rus opens any available communication software, logs on to the internet, and uses your web-browser to search for gossip about celebrities and politicians, starting a new search every 2 minutes.

The CANCER v!rus fills up your hard drive with cooking recipes, home repair tips, and old Dear Abby columns, and then installs a screen-saver that flashes 1-800 numbers for various 12-step programs across your screen.

The LEO v!rus announces its presence with a RealAudio roar (often followed by a QuickTime clip of the MGM lion if supported by your hardware) and proceeds to delete files from your hard drive to make room for the long list of computer systems it has conquered.

The VIRGO v!rus continuously eliminates any files or programs you haven’t used for a month and defrags your hard drive every time you exit a program.

The LIBRA v!rus downloads from the internet any optional features it can find for your installed software, and installs pop-ups for each new feature that describe its pros and cons and asks whether you want it installed now or later.

The SCORPIO v!rus lurks in the background, surreptitiously downloading x-rated binary files every time you surf the net (now you know the real reason web-browsers are so slow!).

The SAGITTARIUS v!rus immediately begins searching your hard drive for the one true Source code, identifying and deleting all mere object code in its path.

The CAPRICORN v!rus constructs and continually updates a database of all information on your hard drive searchable by file name, creation date, file size, author’s name (and last known address), subject, and Library of Congress classification code.

The AQUARIUS v!rus deletes all old versions of any software on your hard drive, and provides new wireless remote connection capability for obtaining the latest version of each program by FTP transfer.

The PISCES v!rus reconfigures your hard drive(s) to eliminate any artificial boundaries such as partitions, directories and files, and instead unites all software code in one universal string.

” Live Life Like A Computer “

If you messed up your life, you could press “Alt, Ctrl, Delete” and
start all over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”!

If you needed a break from life, click on “suspend”. Hit “any key” to
continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To “add/remove” someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you lose your car keys, click on “find”.

“Help” with the chores is just a click away.

You wouldn’t need auto insurance. You’d use your diskette to recover
from a crash.

We could click on “send” and the kids would go to bed immediately.

To feel like a new person, click on “refresh”.

Click on “close” to shut up the kids and spouse.

To undo a mistake, click on “back”.

Is your wardrobe getting old? Click “update”.

If you don’t like cleaning the litter box, click on “delete”.